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Erran

Anniversary

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Was it a week? Or more? since I let following others´ adventures slip out of my training schedule? I lost count... But I read again now; I mean recently - these posts of mine are sometimes written over a period of time, you know. And... it came as a surprise, a rather unsettling one... that I experience the same feeling of amazement as when I arrived at the gates, here; amazement as in lost in a maze... or dungeon (it could be called adungeonment, I guess (...I am not sure if it´s a good idea to let this clowning in. It does keep me from getting too serious. But it also takes away from the clarity with which I wished to approach you... I guess some sort of compromise between the two would be established, towards the end; if these interruptions keep up. And that should make navigating through my words easier.))

A thought came, and expectedly I suppose: ¨Have I... made no progress?¨ Of course, it is a matter of adapting the soul, and I couldn´t fall back on any knowledge I exposed myself so far to, for a sense of progress, but I couldn´t let that question rule over my efforts and wishes... And as it happens, when we make an opening for the light in our mind´s walls, a few rays found me and brought, out of this spell of darkness, the shapes of a few things that I can know to give to this space of awareness, even if only fictively, a feeling of not being empty altogether. And perhaps more, because... I made of what I placed before you so far (in spite of being rather poor means of connecting) and of what I hope to reach here (in all its glory), eventually, the more dear parts of my life. And I dare say of you also, who read these, and beyond, all who play at TTW, unknowingly of my efforts to become one of you. And this is where the idea of an anniversary followed from; to celebrate the good of Erran the role-player, even if it may be mostly concept, figment of my imagination for now. And to associate it a measure of time, as it is customary with anniversaries, I will go back just a little before that moment when becoming has started, to when I discovered role-play interaction between people and my two motive thoughts from that time: ¨I want to be with these people!¨ and ¨Why didn´t I think of this sooner?!¨.

(A short pause, for the sake of anyone keeping track of the tags: The scope of ¨learning¨ extends no further than the limits of meaning set in the previous paragraph. It may not be needed to add that keeping one´s morale up is an important part of any lengthy transformation...)

You are, of course, invited. We´ll make it a short, casual visit. There won´t be time to open the box of memories, that album of messages, or to look at old blog tapes. But I will cook you something of the post tags; a new inspired writing, good, hopefully. And perhaps that could pass for refreshments. I do wish we could have fun too though... Oh, well. And when should we say that would be? Of course, it´s now, when you are reading: at your convenience. But to me there will still be some time until then, and after... I know! I will make of the next paragraph a sort of anniversary background. Where I would come out from to read with you, like any good host is expected to; and where I will be going back when you leave. (And I am contemplating the possibility of spending the whole content of that ¨Erran¨ tagged jar for it. I wouldn´t miss it. And yet I have the feeling that, somehow, at least traces of it will be found throughout my words-cake, and perhaps after. I must be still far from making my writing mostly about you...)

Thus, a background. It shall be... me among trees. When one is working, striving, that which accumulates behind can easily turn into burden. And then only by stopping and putting the burden down can one find it inside to notice more: that of so far which can remind of purpose, of joyful times somewhere ahead. I raise my eyes towards the branches. But not to measure, as I it is not my thought to decorate them. No, only to admire. My trees already are decorated with beautiful leaves that never failed to take in, as light, the call of this place, of TTW. And there is distance too, surrounding the trees outermost reaches; always. A distance which is first within me; then between us. That distance I once said things I like have to travel before reaching a core of inspiration, to then cross back, returning with a reply. It is a distance between my soul and the things of this world. And it seems that I have to ask, or to pray, for the good that I want to share with others. As wit, along with other common things, could hardly be called a possession of mine. That´s how it works, now. And so, after returning to read the adventures of others, spending a little time with a campaign I follow, before going to sleep, one recent night, and after finding myself in that state of amazement, following speechless the other´s words, going through all the other thoughts and feelings mentioned above, and after falling asleep while asking for words to join you with, I woke up, in the dark´s midst, with inspiration - the recipe for this post´s ¨treats¨. First, the idea to write a blog post. And I thought: ¨Great! Just another blog post. I guess I should have been more specific...¨ (I did think it´s good to make may prayer simple...) But then something else came. Something because of which I can feel better about inviting you here: the first imagined participation to an adventure of Errandûrr! There can be more characters in play, at one time, than you see written, you know? :)

It´s this campaign where the adventurers reach the site of an attack of wolves on sheep and shepherds, ongoing! So they engage in combat. And the thought came, that Errandûrr would have placed himself so that he has all other characters in the range of his bow, planning to assist those melee fighters that luck would leave in a more dire state. Not with any words to describe his behavior, but still - that seemed like a great step forward for me, from not being able to react in any way; as when I first read. It seems still such a difficult task to embody him properly, and that lengthy definition I wrote for him still left a lot to be decided of how he would react in the various circumstances of an adventure... Of course, I was glad to see that the reaction which came for him seemed in accordance with the generalities of my approach to role-play, which I anticipated in previous blog posts, and with his lack of experience. And there may be something too, in what came, of the rp-personality that the nodiatis.com test decided for me: the tactician. Errandûrr´s was: the druid. Although the test did not inspire me enough confidence to associate my result with the TTW profile, I add both results here for those of you who are happy with their findings, and as encouragement for Errandûrr´s development:





The next bit was for aligning with what takes place right after the battle, when wounds are taken care of, adventurers and shepherds approach for dialog, and first attempts at finding a reason for the attacks are made. Errandûrr would then have needed some time to recover from the shock of combat. He would have tried hard to discern the normal feelings from what the inner darkness could take shape as. Most likely, with success only at maintaining conscious control over himself, that way. He would then have moved his attention to the scene of battle. He would have studied the carcass of a wolf, possibly casting a Detect Magic on it; good too would have been to collect a sample of blood, would he have known how to analyze it. But he could not have thought of any theories at the time, given his inexperience; no Nature check there. He could have only listened to what the others have to say. And of all that, he would have been very impressed with the druid´s observations about the normal behavior of wolves. That is the kind of knowledge that I am now trying to acquire for my Ranger. And lastly, after resisting an impulse to go after the wolves (not the best thing to do, of course, at the time), he may have walked no farther than to the first row of forest trees in hope to get a familiar feeling from these woods said to hide dangers. And maybe to ask the trees to guide him and the team in the right direction; just rp, no spells to cast here.

Then, moving towards the nearby settlement with the group, he would have remained a bit behind, looking at them, remembering how he saw them behave during the battle, imagining himself in their place and what they felt. Especially if not having been face to face with a wolf, while fighting, he would have insisted on the image of those who did. To see magic striking, fingers turned into claws, fangs and steel clash, and blood, and death: all these would have been very troubling for him. And he would have thought of his place among these people... And then there is all that talk about things he did not even read more than a quick side note about, at the library... Things like giants, gods, and their customs. To me it was so surprising how the players could come up with those ideas. And Errandûrr could not have made more sense of what he heard... The approach most suitable for him would have been to stay with the facts, I guess, and wait to see how things develop. That´s how I tend to watch mystery movies, anyway X)

And that was all; I chose sleep at that point, and then didn´t make time to read more of the campaign. I think I was happy, or grateful, when the thoughts came... Couldn´t make much of myself in that state of sleepiness. And now, after the inspiration came, I feel at my place beside you a bit more, belonging, involved. But not excited. Instead, at peace. It must be the natural way of things, because I was troubled by the prolonged waiting. I´m sure there must be a lot of excitement in store for when I would have gained enough rp momentum to participate for real in one of these adventures. I am also a bit unsure this breakthrough actually took place... Even after going a couple of times back for another slice of the cake. I had to stop, you know, so that enough remains for when you get here. (...I tried, but that ¨Erran¨ jar must be bottomless...)

Of course, I did skip a few stages back there, with Errandûrr; pretending that he, that I would be ready. Quite a number of things must fall into place before I can attempt for real a first adventure; or at least this is how I feel. ...Looks like I´m thinking of the day after the anniversary already... More cake? Oh, don´t leave any for me, please. Leftovers make such poor companions... (Hey! Everyone reading here magically gets to be the first person to taste the cake ok? I was just being a bit dramatic...)

Now, how to do this... Can we say I slipped into the background already? I really don´t like good-byes...

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Updated 02-28-2018 at 06:04 AM by Erran

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  1. RealWittyAlias's Avatar
    I think you're really overthinking things here, Erran. It's great that you want to learn as much as you can before you start playing, but sometimes doing is the best way of learning. Even if you know a system's Player Handbook cover to cover, you'll get a better idea of how the rules are applied if you actually experience them. I'd suggest you just try to hop into one of the Recruitment threads and see how things go. You don't have to worry about not being an expert role player or anything. DMs and veteran players are usually happy to help a new guy out.
    Updated 02-28-2018 at 05:28 PM by RealWittyAlias (Forgot an apostrophe.)
  2. Erran's Avatar
    -1-

    I think, I do think it was very nice of you, ReWAl, to make time and reach out to me in these blog pages. Your gesture seems in nature so alike the good spirit of this place, the friendliness, that I can only see it as extension of all I value at The Tangled Web; of all that made me call it home (as odd as it may sound). And also, as you are among the first people I got to know the community through, this message of yours strengthens the belief that on the quality of our future interaction through words, a good deal of a feeling of accomplishment and of belonging, in the end, would rest. I was impressed by both the politeness and the eloquence of your choice of words. Thank you for being so open and speaking your mind. And if I may compare my style in these posts, which reflects, with its wavering, the many changes I experience while I adapt to role-playing, to the style from your comment, I´d like to add that it impresses me, with its conciseness, as an expert opinion (by which I mean having a strong foundation of common sense, based on experience), at least with regard to a habitual way of doing things and of being a part, here at TTW. And I consider myself lucky to benefit from it, even if you would call it, perhaps, the usual help out from a veteran :)
  3. Erran's Avatar
    -2-

    To me it could not be a matter, ever, of not agreeing with, or of not putting to good use your advice. Because I did so, as part of my understanding of what I have to deal with, of myself and of the reality of interactions that take place at TTW, ever since the nature of those things first became obvious. And I welcome your thoughts as familiar ones, related to some of the considerations on which I base my judgment. Naturally, that I do not have your experience can be expected to have influenced, in some measure, my reluctance to let go of other criteria. But with the benefit of your opinion´s support, now, behind some of the thoughts, I find that no change in my mind´s balance could take place, as the other aspects which I have to take into account quickly rose in attention as being just as important as the first ones. And knowing myself I can tell that no reasoning could ever upset that balance definitely, as those other aspects I mentioned, and which I now introduce as belonging to what is generally called the soul, would always find in that part of my being sufficient strength to match whatever logic could summon, be it justified by the best of intentions and common sense. To put it simply now, it is a matter of thinking, and in that I do gladly join you - our thinking thus, against my feeling; at least at the moment. To look at the cause of that I will remind you of something found at the bottom of the soul or beyond it. On the outside, this adaptation process may take the form of learning. And there is to it a dubious mixture of reasonable preparations, as are expected for assuming any job-role, and a seeking of compensation for inexperience in the amassing of knowledge; which would provide, eventually, a sensation of security, of control. But deep underneath this process is a journey of my soul towards feeling a part, fully, of the role-playing world and its people; and towards being with, instead of against, the thinking, the reasoning, in myself. And fully is the main word here; however good a choice may have been. I will treat of it in the next paragraph. I close here mentioning that it is not something I would have a choice about, my soul´s nature. Not on the long run. :) I can only choose to ignore, or embrace it, really.
  4. Erran's Avatar
    -3-

    Now, I expect that to a great many people this much attention given to the soul, or otherwise put, to the softer aspects of one´s nature, amounts to losing in strength of decision and of taking action. For example, that I have not started to play yet could be regarded just as a consequence of that loss. I hope that I have sensed correctly what you were trying to keep me safe from, with the words ¨really over-¨ and ¨worry¨; or to help me move over with ¨just try¨. But, friend, these difficulties, this effort, of which the emotional aspect is only an outer layer, I chose to assume in hope to reach you people with as much depth of my being as possible. And that is because I know the best things to come from there. And I want to live this best of myself among you, as only that would make me, at least, happy. It is, in a way, similar to having gotten used to an exquisite taste of wine, then to be unable to appreciate anything less refined. But it is more, as life seldom occasions experiencing peaks; and ridges even less often. It is desire to approach with even the more common wine - and please see that I am first and foremost referring to what I offer others - and have it transformed by that source of refinement before it touches the taster´s lips, as writing. And the only way I know to aim for that inspiration is to walk this long and sometimes hard inner road. Now, the truth is I can never know for sure that the best will come. But I know that, by being hasty, I am only giving myself fewer chances at it. That´s how it is with me, in usual circumstances: brought at the surface of life to act quickly I can often perform just minor, formal acts, and most rushed ideas prove wasteful, of low quality. And to bring out more, better things, deeper involvement is necessary, much of which takes place in the soul, beyond the limits of my consciousness. I think that what I do here, before my soul and what may lie beyond it, may be mostly just demonstrating my intentions, through work of some kind, through perseverance and patience. And giving myself time, while waiting for some clear signs from within.
  5. Erran's Avatar
    -4-

    More to the surface of things, I see that I am simply not what you would call a natural in those aspects of life, or of experiencing life, which one brings along when jumping into role-play. I think I could bridge some, like the behavior descriptions I so often see coming up in stories with inner world experiences - like in the examples of Errandûrr´s reaction given in this post; patched up with only a few behavior related words. But when it comes to what my character expresses towards the other characters, when it comes to their interactions, to what is communicated through gestures and actions - not having that feeling of naturalness is something I simply cannot get over. But I Feel I can gain it, given time. And also, I hope that it will be inspired, as said before. Because in that interaction I would be finding what I came here for, to experience among you. So in my understanding, I seek not to become an expert, but to become natural in the things you are natural, while bringing in, of myself, the best I can. And if, at times, the mixture of all these things, good and less so, which make up my psyche and intellect, would amount to something usual of an expert, of course, I would rejoice. But I prepare for something under that: a constancy of only good enough. And good enough is something as much in tune with what the others experience, both through actual expression and how I feel when I express (that is, a natural, eventually), that it would allow inspiration to shine through, at least a little.

    I am also preparing myself for the case when signs will not come. When this period of gathering outdoors information, after which I will dedicate my efforts to getting as much as possible in-character with Errandûrr, would end without being matched by a sufficient progress inside. In that case, ReWAl, I would be doing just what you recommend in your message. I would be then equipping any expression available; however poor. And keep walking towards my ideal of interaction from then on. I believe TTW and its community is one of the places to do this; the one I chose, in my case. I wouldn´t be happy for some time, perhaps, but still, I would be among you. And that´s half of the dream.
  6. Erran's Avatar
    -5-

    While writing, being so serious about everything, an image came, as a joke, to keep company. And I waited until the end to share it with you: The image of you on a shore calling a fish out to play - and the fish trying to bring the ocean with it. I may be over thinking things, really, trying to grow legs from fins and such, but the real issue at hand is about walking as if I would be back there, in the water. What can I say... This evolution game is as hard as role-play...
    Updated 03-01-2018 at 06:06 AM by Erran (changed wording slightly)