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Erran

Earthīs silent prayer

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Time must have stopped. Somewhere, before dawn. Itīs just me now, and walking, forward. A forward of which here, only, and a far, very far there remain. And weight. As if I were the earth, and forward a trail plowed through my flesh. I reach, out, with the cold breath, through darkness. My trees... a burden so light, now, so gentle, like that of small flower buds, waiting, closed. That high only, and... beyond that... ... Oh, sky... Turn towards us once more your face, your smile... :::: It is with no small reluctance that I approach writing now, when so little of what could be said reminds of the journey I started, of me at its start. That is not to say that I doubt myself, although at times, when I raise my eyes from under effort, it does seem like I face something close to impossible (think DC 30; but funny is totally out of place here...). My goal is the same. I havenīt been this sure of having a place somewhere, with something, in all my life. And in spite of my means being tested, my resolution is like the spirit of this bond of home, unbreakable, adamant. (What AC is that? 23? ... ...I didnīt plan for this, ok? It was supposed to be a serious confession... Sorry...) It seems, however, that, whatever course I take towards becoming a role-player, one of you, I, eventually, run into myself, my old self, and its freedom of non-belonging. And it looks like Iīm not going to be able to cross without a fight. And thatīs... you know... like the big, end fight, with the ultimate monster, the big, bad boss... And resolution alone... well.. may just not be enough to defeat it, myself... Or worse, it may be that deepest desire of beings, for happiness, that will just be enough to keep me fighting, forever... :::: I canīt expect the usual player to relate easily to my... situation. What I see breathing through the stories of others is a naturalness, a common ease of the intellect in its moving through a domain of concepts, of meanings built on top of what life in the real world taught. While I... well, how it looks to me is that I moved from the things of this world towards light only, and, in doing so, I let go of anything heavier, including the means to take on that; the heavier. This image may seem in contrast with the earth I have, so far, depicted myself walking on, and here, now, assumed as a coat. However, thatīs how I feel, now, a rayīs light buried, hoping, at the same time, to give rise to more than trees of things learned, to something which only light could bring forth beyond, in the vast space of wind and dreams, to meet a similar something of others... ...It does seem like a lot, doesnīt it? The more so, considering that, eventually, I would become indistinguishable in expression from any of you; or, to be reasonable, from the average player. Well, anyway, letīs move to a more facts-based update on my progress, shall we? :::: I take my 5e rules as often as I can, and I think it will not be long until Iīll know every tree in the forest by name. Already, many have grown such that they barely remind of the mere saplings they once were, and so, they answer now only to their adult names; which means that I refined my summary of the rules up to a 10th edition already. And to them many new twigs and leaves were born, through which the blue of the sky would remind of ever new hope; which means that I started to add to that summary the so many details of dnd settings, information which my character in prospect, Errandûrr, should be familiar with. I also begun to study real life matters which I believe a wielder of Errandûrr should be familiar with - the knowledge, perhaps, of a ranger; and in my imagined woods these could be preparations to let all sort of plants grow, animals move around, terrain vary, streams flow, heat, cold, and one day, one day... adventurers, real people, pass through. And there are days when I only climb trees to look from afar at how others play; my heroes, my future friends, maybe. And, each time, my soul, eager to meet its destiny, ventures out towards that distance of words, of meanings, and meets with the same great heaviness that they impart on its constitution of light, of formlessness. And sometimes... sometimes, I question my own powers to take on giving expression to a self such as others do, as others can... And then, while bearing through that darkness for some time, everything slowly fades from awareness, everything except my will, my determination to, somehow, succeed. And I just move, then, through whatever I study at that time, almost senseless, guided by strength of the soul, of life only. I forget myself in that way. Or itīs just a small victory. The old self always comes back for more... :::: The reader is kindly asked to not search in his or her knowledge of dnd spells and curses the cause for what would seem hard to approach in all I said. But if they do, perhaps what Iīll add now will help them reach a better conclusion, even if just for some harmless amusement: What makes all vanish as an illusion is when I witness the fun others have, and, as at times happens, the spirit of that fun takes over me, and I understand and fit everything, even if with the soul first. To me, all the low points are a fertile ground for defining characters who know both ease and hardship, both light and darkness, and maybe to grow a future campaign of some depth, one that I would be host of. To you, if difficult, something perhaps to let go of, along with your daily worries, as your spirit rises anew here, at the end of my post. And if not difficult, then a place, maybe, where you remember that your being nice and playing a part in an enchanting story is welcomed and is appreciated beyond that circle to which luck brought you and your friends together to have fun. :::: Perhaps my next posts will be more a means to escape the roadīs difficulty. That was expressed more than enough, I think, and, besides, I expect it to become routine soon. It may seem a paradox that the best way to face difficulty, as far as I know, is to take on more, much more difficulty. Perhaps thereīs a sort of muscle that grows, although in my case, I come out from under the burden with something more subtle, a guiding thread leading back only, the essence of all, as I resume my freedom of form again. Maybe... after Iīve done this a couple of times... it will become like wearing a costume, a mask... and maybe I will be a decent enough performer for anyone to not notice the missing beats. But I do hope, I keep hoping for more, for freedom, for light to turn into something higher: that something which only grace can raise a being from this plane to. The blessing thatīs shared with others... ~ PS. Could have been part of the post, but it just came to mind now, when itīs over, that I should, perhaps, bring some clarity to the title: This is a silent player, although itīs in the open, written, and by yourself read, because it is not action towards my goal, not learning, rehearsing. That takes place the rest of the time I get to spend here. And one day will be replaced by playing, with others :)

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  1. sarynkitamo's Avatar
    Psst. Rel's campaign is open for recruitment for another couple of days. Plenty of time to work something up!
  2. Erran's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by sarynkitamo
    Psst. Rel's campaign is open for recruitment for another couple of days. Plenty of time to work something up!
    :::: Thank you, Saryn. A hint like this one may be just what a newbie needs to finally get started :) I wasnīt following the recruitment posts, though, and it looks like that 10th of February deadline may be one too soon to meet. I only saw this message now and went through Relīs invitation for the first time... And I was about to join for a few moments there... even if I would probably not have been able to put together a decent Errandûrr until that time; let alone my stuff as a role-player. It kind of felt like being a fresh recruit who never wielded a sword and is now called to the first ranks to face an enemy attack. And my first impulse was to go with that... Then I looked at the perspective of future opportunities, which I could surely meet with a more satisfactory degree of preparedness. And I decided it would be better for everyone involved if I would enter a story certain of being able to keep the mess-up at a tolerable, passable level. One I could look beyond and see, instead, my little contribution to everyoneīs enjoyment. There is no reason to hurry; even if my later posts may have hinted at a decrease in enthusiasm. I will reach my goal, no matter what. I am certain of this - itīs something I drive myself to every day. And to that culmination belongs also a quality of expression which must match the best I knew myself capable of so far in life. It must, or I wouldnīt be happy :) and neither would everyone else; of course, as this is the foundation that the enjoyment to be known with others is built on. Now, because of this, please, do not think that your message and the generosity in Relīs invitation will become something lost to me. If not to help me call myself soon a role-player, they will for sure remain with me as motivators to learn harder, to progress faster. And a first step is the promise to start following that campaign also, once it starts. For now, that is the way of being with you guys; and I must find comfort in it. But I am sure there will be many more opportunities in the future. I desire that dearly. Thank you, Saryn. Have a good time with OSW! ~